Hello, this is Carry with the love suggestions and today's topic is the anxious attachment style.
Let's talk about the anxious attachment style this is one of the most common attachment styles that are in the world and I thought of how this video would be best served and so I think we'll take a very step-by-step approach to how the anxious attachment style works obviously it's in the name this style has a very anxious attachment we learned that when we're attaching to a lover a caregiver etc there tend to be some needs that have been largely unmet but this doesn't mean that there was no love it just means that this style of attachment or rather somebody with the anxious attachment style has trouble self validating and as a result they feel much more anxious so if you have the anxious attachment style it will look something like this you're probably often worried about your relationships and you seek reassurance and affection to counter that worry or you've probably found yourself in several toxic relationships because hey it's better than having no relationship right it's better than being alone people who have the anxious attachment style they tend to struggle with communicating their needs directly and it always comes from that fear of if I communicate my needs in a way that is direct or blunt or straightforward well then a may be the person I'm communicating them to won't listen and what was the point needless conflict right or be if I communicate my needs I won't get them the other person will get frustrated with me and they'll leave that's a big fear when it comes to the anxious attachment style a fear of being abandoned and since the anxious attachment style has trouble doing self-soothing it's it often just gives in to the throws of anxiety that fear can seem even more real since we have no way to talk ourselves out of that fear they tend to act out when they're triggered or jealous insecure or anxious to have that feeling removed it is a gut reaction very emotional now I should be clear to say this does not mean you will act out if you have the anxious attachment style it simply means that you're more likely there are no absolutes or guarantees when it comes to stuff like this it's in the mind and because it's in the mind it operates on a spectrum and so if you have the anxious attachment style and you hear something in this video that may not encapsulate how you act well that may be your normal your status quo whenever it comes to the mind it's always a spectrum so you could be on a scale of 1 to 10 you could be a 2 on the anxious scale or you could be a 8 where it's extreme anxiety extremely hard to self-soothe so I figured I just want to say that now the anxious attachment style struggles when their partner shows inconsistent behaviors or when their partner unexpectedly pulls away even if nothing's wrong now because this has happened this leads them the anxious attachment style person to feel worried and when we are worried about our standing in a situation we tend to cling tighter which almost always leads to the anxious attachment style person sort of over smothering or over pursuing even a secured partner in other words if you have the anxious attachment style and your partner is having a bad day they got yelled at by their boss they got in a car accident something like that and they pulled away well this doesn't necessarily mean you did anything wrong or anything to cause that however because of their inconsistency and because of your insecurities you're not sure where you stand with this person now they come home they're in a bad mood you feel as though you did something wrong and there's that bit of fear or anxiety that manifests itself in you you compound it because rather than thinking they're just having a bad day it's not big deal leave him alone maybe bring him some dinner and that will be that but because someone has anxious attachment they're much more likely to act in a way that is anxious and so they will begin over pursuing or clinging or badgering the partner with constant questions and even if the partners secure they can feel smothered it just is what it is and if the partner is avoidant meaning you're anxious and the person you're dating is avoidant which happens to be so often the case it can lead to a very unhealthy cycle and this cycle is called the anxious avoidant trap one person's always chasing the other person's always running they're running because you're chasing and you're chasing because they're running it's a cycle it's a black hole that you can get stuck into and the best thing you can do if you see that you are stuck in that cycle is stop chasing back away give them their space they're running for a reason you're chasing for a reason realize that and cut the cycle the anxious style is more of a fight whereas the avoidant style is more of a flight and so perhaps that's the best way to categorize how these two tend to react with each other now the anxious attachment style tends to have fewer boundaries or at least the boundaries that they do have they inconsistently enforce this is because the same answer I gave earlier if I enforce these boundaries if I demand what I know I need not want need well then they might leave and if they leave then I'll be alone and the reality of the situation is that people who have an anxious attachment style have troubles being alone at least for long periods of time because they're lonely and what it feeds itself into is that oftentimes not always but often times the person with the anxious attachment style depends on others particularly romantic partners for self-worth this is what leads people who have anxious attachment styles to hide themselves in romantic relationships because there's not much going on in their own interpersonal lives because they simply haven't identified what the problem is in the first place many people who have the anxious attachment style don't actually know that they have it until they begin to learn about attachment theory and learn about why it all happens it can be very hard to distinguish what's going on with me why am I so much happier in relationships than out of relationships completely ignoring the fact that for at least the first 16 I guess I can use that number years of their life you weren't even in a relationship and for the longest time you didn't crave one it's because of the validation that is brought into their lives from romantic relationships even if the relationship has a proclivity to be very toxic because like we said earlier hey it beats being alone so where does this come from why does the anxious attachment style exist and for this I'm going to actually turn to the words of Mark Benson who is a very very good author he's created books like the subtle art of not giving an F which I highly recommend you get the audiobook version it's fantastically done or at least read the book and of course the other book which is picking up more traction lately which is called love is not enough once again the author's name is Mark Manson and Mark Manson says attachment Styles as adults are influenced by how we relate to our parents or caregivers as infants as little helpless babies this is our first and most important relationship of our lives so naturally it's sort of the blueprint for how we all perceive relationships as we mature we use this relationship blueprint as we age into late childhood and adolescence when we typically start to form important relationships outside of ourimmediate relationship with our caregivers our peer groups take on a larger role as we continue to grow and learn we learn and relate to others these experiences further influence our attachment style as eventually we become romantic with others which in turn also influence our attachment style so I'll stop there and what he's basically saying is a you learn how to love from your parents and be from your parents into the high school years maybe around age 13 even younger you begin to be raised by your peers these collection of experiences create your attachment style so while your early experiences with your parents do have the most considerable influence on your behavior it's not the only factor so where children who had their needs fully met by secure parents develop a secure attachment children with anxious attachment maybe didn't get all of their needs met maybe the needs that they did get met were a bit unpredictable it wasn't always clear when it was going to happen so generally they have a positive view of their peers but a negative view of themselves their romantic relationships have often been overly idealized sound familiar and they've relied too heavily on them for their own self-esteem so to sum that all up as an infant you didn't always have your needs fully met in a predictable way and growing up you had a series of experiences or events or bullying things like that which caused you several self-esteem issues and the easiest quickest way as an anxious avoidant that we learn yes I used to be one to get our needs met is through romantic relationships so we've talked about what it is we talked about why it happens how do you fix it well this is for yourself step one is to acknowledge your pain understand where it's coming from through self-reflection through thinking about your past through counselling and journaling the more you can understand why this is happening and where it came from the better grasp you can have on it going forward number two was questioned the validity of your fears when you're triggered do I really feel as bad as I feel or am I compounding it is the situation as bad as we make it number three is to find a healthy way to express your needs directly to avoid being triggered in the first place and again I'm using the word triggered it's a it's an all-encompassing term so I don't want people to get triggered by my use of the word triggered number four therapy therapy therapy if you don't like the therapist you find go try a different one number five own when you are wrong so you can recognize what it looks like moving forward and avoided some accountability is called for here number six have your own life and control over things that bring you validation and acknowledgement number seven if you are dating someone who has an anxious attachment style be clear open honest and tell them how you are feeling tell them what you need and at the same time remind them of your love for them provide them regular reassurance there are many many voices in the mental health community that believe that one of the strongest ways to bring somebody out of an anxious or an avoidant episode or attachment style is to date somebody who's secure somebody who can be their rock now it's not good to rely on just a romantic partner but it can help and so if the help is there why not take it as long as other things such as therapy are happening number eight have multiple strong relationships outside of your romantic one this can all be helped it can all be fixed and all it takes is a little elbow grease and a little willingness to be wrong from time to time understanding where our trauma came from what needs we have that didn't get met and how we can meet them ourselves as strong intelligent adults .I hope this article has covered most of what you could wonder about the anxious attachment style and write down in the comments below if you have an anxious attachment style or if you know someone who has an anxious attachment style what do you do to self-soothe what worked best for you I hope you guys enjoyed these suggestions and that's all I had for today if you found my suggestions helpful I'd be very grateful if you'd hit like please leave a comment below and tell me what topics you want me to cover in the future additionally until next time.......
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